Just Watched: Teeth

I have made some wonderful friends in Seton Hill's WPF program, and also through Twitter and some magazine venues, and when my peers told me about this movie Teeth, I knew that I had to see it to believe it.  Yes, yes, yes, I know it's an old movie and I should have seen it way before now, but hey.. I'm working on it! Needless to say, I wasn't disappointed... in fact, I don't think that I have ever laughed harder in my life-- oh wait? I wasn't supposed to laugh?  This was a horror movie? Oops! Then it gets my vote for one of the worst/best horror films up to date (but I haven't seen Piranha 3D yet!).

For those of you that haven't heard of/seen this movie, here is a quick summary of the plot: Early on in the story, we are introduced to Dawn O'Keefe (played by Jess Weixler) who appears to be the saintly virgin that is so typical in horror movies.  She gives talks at high schools about abstinence, and honestly, it is because she is so unavailable to others, that the boys desperately crave her. But naturally,there is a back story to every horror plot: Dawn grew up near a nuclear plant, and was sexually abused by her brother Brad (played by John Hensley) as a child. So naturally it's easy to see why Dawn is so focused on abstinence and purity.

What cracks me up about this movie is how the acting.. because honestly, I kind of liked the plot, and I think that if the movie was remade today with more gore and a more intricate twist at the end, that it wouldn't be too bad; I would see a remake of it.  But lets me honest... this story is about a man eating vagina (vagina dentata, which is Latin for teeth.  So basically, this girl got mutated at a young age because of the insecurities and vengeance that she harbored from her sexual abuse, and now anyone that goes near her, without her permission might lose a certain appendage. So in other words, all those horny boys out there better be in love with her, because if they are just looking for a piece of ass...it will be the first and last time for it.

So Dawn's vagina eats people. Big deal right? Well, it eats a rapist, a sick/twisted gynecologist, and then a boy that made a beat that he could sleep with her -- all of which are rather awkward and funny because she doesn't know how to control it yet.  She's screaming, the guy's screaming... then the audience hears the crunch, and then next thing you know, there's half a penis on the ground, and she acts shocked like this hasn't been happening throughout the entire movie.  BUT when she found out that she could control it (although we never find out how it works, or what happened that she discovered that she could control it), she decides to go after her brother for his misogynistic, deviant waves.  What is ironic about this situation, is that Brad has been in love with her since he was a child; he adores her, but since his dad married her mom, Dawn became the forbidden fruit. So when she offers herself to him, he is almost afraid at first because he doesn't want to compromise her morals since he actually cares about her. But she forces herself on him, and eventually he goes along with it... only to reap the benefits that Dawn has in store for him.
---This was easily the best part of the movie because here we have the hard rock, drug using, sex-a-holic, bad child, that softens for the one girl, only to get his dick chomped off and fed to the dog. HA. But take my word on it, you have to see this scene to appreciate it, because the piece doesn't hit the ground until we get a shot in between Dawn's legs, and then its super dramatic. Hysterical.

Even the very end of the movie is funny, because as Dawn decides to runaway and hitch hike, she gets picked up my an old man, who at the end of their journey, wants his payment.. but not it cash.  He is without a doubt the creepiest old man EVER (minus the guy on the bus in Black Swan) as he makes gestures at her with his hands and his tongue.. ewe. But lucky for her, she knows how to take care of the situation....